Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My Brain Is Flaming

This is one woman’s story of her deep and unwavering love for Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Ah the cheesiness, the crispy, crackling crunchiness, the freakish, unnatural, nuclear glow of them… I love the punch-in-your-face heat. FHC are turbo-charged atomic nuggets that set your whole mouth aflame. When I eat them the top of my nose beads with sweat, but I can't stop: I crave the endorphin rush. Tears spring to my eyes, my scalp prickles with perspiration and my tongue all but blisters in the aftermath, and yet… I dream of them. I’ve been known to eat them for breakfast. I see the gaudy, orange package in the 7/11 and I have a Manchurian Candidate moment. Before I realize what has happened I’ve torn open the bag and devoured all 7.5 ounces.

Only this man understands a burning love like this.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Who asked ya?!

I was a few minutes late getting to my desk this morning because I met a new woman in the locker room (named Olga) who wouldn't stop talking to me -- even while I had the blow-dryer going and all I could see were her lips flapping. I thought, "Look, sister, I can't stand here and yap with you all day; I've got a job!" But no... She kept blabbering and blabbering, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap... And do you know what she had the audacity to speak to me about? Bear in mind that she is a complete stranger to me, I've never laid eyes on this chick... With out any provocation she starts telling me about some Chinese pill that will make me lose 40 pounds in 2 months. Now I ask you: What made her think I wanted to know about weight loss??? Could it be how utterly flattering my gym shorts make me look? Could it be my massive thighs? I gotta tell ya, it is considered RUDE to start talking to a fat person about losing weight unless that fat person asks for advice! Uhh! What a way to start the day.

Now how can I get my hands on that Chinese pill? ;)